Being Still

Dear Ones,

Today in Vermont the last of the snow is melting. There is a tiny patch at the edge of my lawn. Yesterday, with the temperatures rising toward 60 degrees (F), I found myself out rummaging in my garden shed for the seed-starting rack….which led to putting the sleds and snow shovel away….which led to taking window plastic down.

If I had just stopped there, it would have been a manageable morning of Spring chores. Instead I got ramped up and continued with various activities, making lists in my head, ignoring that my body felt tired and my knee sore. There was a dim voice that was in the backround of my mind–“You are doing too much, take a rest.”

The dim voice was overcome by much louder voices urging me on, saying I was already behind, I could catch up, the house and yard need a total make-over!, and I need to prove this-and-that, like I will be a success when I do all these things.

By late afternoon, I was completely overwhelmed–mind, body and spirit. I sat down and called a friend, which in retrospect, is one of the best self-care moves I can make….(thank goodness I remembered this, thank you to my daily routine of checking in with others!). 

We talked about letting my frenzy go. Just go. And pausing. Just like in meditation, when my mind wanders, I come back to the still place of my breath. With gentleness. So, although I wanted to get down on myself, I made a conscious decision to act with kindness towards myself. 

In these times, of course, we will all have times when overworking will seem like a welcome distraction from what is going on in the outside world, and in our inner world. In a way, my flurry of activity did just that. But the frenzied way I was approaching my day added little comfort and left me in tears of frustration and overwhelm. Perhaps this has happened to you, the overwhelm, aggression towards yourself or others, depression.

In this way, it’s like an addiction. At first it feels ok, but then quickly (or not so quickly) it falls apart. My intention was misguided. My actions were not from a grounded place of being clear and working from love. I was ignoring myself, even my need for a drink of water.

My friend asked me to consider what my priorities were right now, and I answered without hesitation, that I want to live an unpressured life, just like I had during my winter retreat. It’s not that I did not get anything done….rather, my actions came from stillness and checking in with myself. When I did act, it came from my heart and a place of true self-care, and felt truly joyful. That is what I want for the rest of my life.

Opportunity versus obligation.

And to find out the difference requires me to check in with the energy behind my impulses. I find that the energy of obligation is very loud and noisy. And the energy of opportunity is much much quieter. So I am practicing listening. Listening closely, and practicing taking many pauses, as many as it takes during the day to do this.

I can attune to that quiet voice three ways: through writing in my journal each morning (another of the seven self care tips I shared in our Zoom call a couple weeks ago), sitting down to meditate and breathe when I feel anxiety in action, and mindfully choosing my day instead of haphazardly dashing into it.

I definitely am not an expert at this. I’m just committing to remembering my priorities on how I want to live my life, and when I get off track, to gently come back to stillness.

Just like in meditation. In fact, this may be called meditation in motion…the motion of our days, and it includes it all–the frustration, the vulnerabilities, the strengths, the confusion. We are all just here, and we can embrace all of our experience without the duality of this is ok and this is not.

Another example in which anxiety manifests for me is in feeling this desperate need to run off to New York City RIGHT NOW and help migrant families who have no support to make it through this crisis. Perhaps you have similar tendencies, the news is full of heartbreaking stories.

Asking my meditation teacher this morning about this, he said to check the energy behind my inclinations…and lo and behold, the same frenzy was there as it was yesterday in my backyard. And frenzy can be very unhelpful and also aggressive in a covert way. He had the same advice, be still, be here, just be with it all.

So I am learning to listen closely with gentleness and inclusivity. Listening for the quiet voice inside before I act.

My prayer is to let my actions come from a place of mindfulness, gentleness and compassion for all (including myself). From there, the world becomes a more peaceful place.

I’m sending you wishes for stillness and gentleness this week and always.

Much love and many blessings to you and yours, and keep washing your hands!

Lizabeth